Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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