Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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