I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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