Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Houston, we have a squirter
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
