My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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