I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
