I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
