based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
