i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
