I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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