his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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