i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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