I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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