you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
