Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
