So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
