Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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