why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
