my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
