The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
