I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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