i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
