im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
