When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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