theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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