Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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