So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
