Old men and throwing up are my life now.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
