i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i love accidental penises.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
