you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
