Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
