I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
