I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
