I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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