You work out of a Hotel?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
