WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
