after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
