You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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