I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
This house was built for laser tag.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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