WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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