My nipple is on Facebook.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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