I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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