I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
