I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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