swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
