Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
