You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can't turn off my feet"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
