I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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