he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
