At least make sure they are 18
Why
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
